It's been about 5 weeks. I've gone through a roller coaster of emotions, which has been exhausting. There have been days where I was in complete bliss, only to be followed by a sense of fear and grief that we may not be able to stay here, that this will end in a year and we will have to go back to our old life. Then I've had the days where I would think to myself, "Oh my Gosh, what have we done? This is crazy! A year? How are we going to make it? I wanna go back already! I miss my friends, I miss my life, I miss my independence (did I mention we live in my parents' house and use their car? Which I am SO grateful for, but which is also a little hard for the ego), I miss my income and the freedom it gave me. This culture is weird, I don't fit in anymore..."
Up and down, up and down. Normal I guess. But exhausting. I'm realizing I can't spend the whole year like this and I have to be present to the moment. Since the kids started school, that has been a little easier. It leaves me some time to myself, to slow down, absorb my new reality, and actually enjoy it. And I have. I've gone on beautiful walks in the vineyards and by the lake. I LOVE walking the kids to the bus stop, on the same path that I took years ago as a kid to take the same bus. I'm so grateful to have them home for lunch, where I can feed them a healthy home cooked meal. I pinch myself everyday at the fact that I get to live in such a beautiful place. I have cried tears of joy and gratitude, simply by looking at the beauty of nature. Seeing my family everyday is such a gift! Bumping into childhood friends and seeing familiar faces everywhere I go gives me a sense of belonging that I didn't know I was missing. I had developed that in Altadena in the past three years, and I remember at one school event a few months ago, feeling sad that I had to leave a community where I knew a lot of people and had developed this small town feeling. But there is something about coming back to where you grew up and seeing people you haven't seen for 20 years, who remember you and know who you are, that is deeply moving for me. To some, I am the "daughter who lives in America", the "American aunty or sister", the classmate from elementary school... Those reconnections make it feel like coming home.
I walk the cobbled streets of my town, look at my beautiful lake, stare at those majestic mountains overtowering it, and I feel at home. Something in me feels at rest. For now.
Mes chemins a l'envers, by Lynda Lemay, is a song that has been on my heart this whole past year, and speaks the words of my heart. If you understand French, take a listen :)
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