Spring, a significant crossroad

I am long overdue with this post. Not according to the other posts, which came in the nick of time, just before the end of a season. But considering all that has happened in the last few months. I should have written here a long time ago. Somehow, it was just a little too hard to put it down, into words, on my blog, on Facebook, for all to see. I wasn't ready. I needed to digest it first, feel it, process it. Not that I am done with that, but it is now summer, so it is time for my Spring post.

Let's start with small talk first… Spring has been full, full, full. For starters, I was invited to go teach at a YWAM counseling school in South Africa in March. So I went, for about 10 days, and had an absolute blast! I reconnected with several people I hadn't seen in years, YWAM friends from before I moved to LA, friends of family, friends of friends. They treated me like a queen, took me all around Cape Town and the peninsula, to beautiful beaches and African markets as well as nice restaurants.

During the week I taught, I met some wonderful students and staff, felt so alive talking about Emotionally Focused Therapy, my passion, and got wonderful feedback. I also didn't have to cook, shop, clean, do laundry, dishes, or paperwork, it was a much needed vacation! AND, I fell in love with beautiful South Africa and can't wait to go back, this time with the whole family, hopefully.

I came back to a Kaelan who had broken his shin on the ski slopes, 3 days after I had left, and who was hopping on one foot, with the other one in a cast all the way up to his groin. There started the saga of taxi driver to school and back, carrier up and down the stairs at school (no elevator), physical therapy sessions to learn how to walk with crutches, doctors' appointments, x-rays, new cast, more physio, etc… for about 6 weeks. Exhausting!





 In the midst of that, we had spring break, which means kids fighting at home, I prepared a sermon for a church service (it went well), gave a presentation at the first annual gathering of Swiss EFT Therapists, worked on my website for my Health Coaching Business, assisted Michael on a bunch of photo shoots to help him build his website and start his photography business, supervised several psychologists, therapists and psychiatrists in EFT, participated in another EFT training in Geneva while also teaching for a week in another local YWAM counseling school, started seeing clients for Health Coaching as well as new therapy clients, translated the material for the Hold Me Tight Workshop for Couples that Mike and I just held this past weekend, and… had a few breakdowns in between, because this was all too exhausting! A year aside? Really? To slow down? Hmmmm…. Something is not right with this picture…. Well, the truth is that we were coming here to figure out what the future should look like. And that as the months went by, we saw the kids blossoming, we saw the support we had here, from family and friends, we saw the opportunity to offer something different and to be unique, and we felt a nudge to trust and let go of our comfortable lives one step further. We felt torn between our desire for something new, and the familiarity of LA, our community there, all we had spent 12 years building… At some point, our family was split, half of us wanting to stay, the other half wanting to go back. Until Michael was the last one standing, the last one wanting to go back.
This, by the way, was a painful process. To not be on the same wave length with such a big decision. To feel so torn. To face the fears and the uncertainties.

On March 8th, we had a big party for Michael's birthday. And as I was lighting the candles on the cake, he got up and gave a speech. I wasn't really paying attention, as I was busy getting the cake ready, but suddenly I heard him say: "We are going to stay in Switzerland". "wait, whaaaaaattttt????". I couldn't believe it. After all these discussions, seeing him struggle so much with this place, this culture, this job… Wow! It didn't hit me right then. I thought it was an impulsive decision. But I discovered the next day that it had been well thought out and processed with his mentors and life coach, and that he felt right about it.

So there we were, jumping one more time off a cliff, not being so sure we had a parachute, but feeling ready for the ride. And then, all these doors opened for me. So I went for it. Because we are staying, and we need to figure out what the heck we are going to be doing here and how we are going to live in this very, very expensive country.

However, as I write tonight, I realize that I have exhausted myself (as usual) and that I need to refocus on the bigger picture, the dreams of my heart, and ultimately, ask God what He thinks of all of that and what He has for us. Because ultimately, it's out of my control. And I will exhaust myself if I keep trying to make it happen.

Michael had a job interview at an international school and he didn't get what seemed to be a perfect job for him. He is now being offered a job at a small private Christian school, which pays peanuts but could be interesting for him and give him enough time to develop the photography on the side. I still want to be home for the kids, but also want to work and develop a practice. Ultimately, we still dream of being part of some kind of a retreat center focused on mind, body and soul, therapy, the arts, healthy living, permaculture, adventure… and there are things on the horizon.

We are blessed with a wonderful church and community of friends, but we miss the ones we left in LA and it hurts. Daily. We also miss being independent, our home, our stuff. I know, it sounds superficial, but those were the things we had built over all these years. They represented our success, our perseverance, the fact that we came with nothing 12 years ago, just a few thousands in a bank account, no job, no car, and that we slowly managed our way through this transition, working hard, not giving up.

Now looking back, that transition seemed easy. We were young, had no kids, no professional identity, we were excited, ready for adventure. Today, we have (or should I say we had) an identity, as professionals, as a couple, as a family, as individuals, that has been profoundly impacted by those 12 years, and that feels a bit topsy turvy these days. Re-learning a new system, finding a doctor, a dentist, a hairdresser, learning how to do taxes (don't get me started), how to start a business, the law, driving differently, all the cultural non verbal rules that are different, the food, the drugs (when you absolutely need them), the behavioral and social codes at school and at work, the do's and don'ts, the cost of things (don't get me started either), the geographical setting (when you live in the countryside, you can go for days without seeing a soul, unless you get out), EVERYTHING, absolutely everything is different. And just because it's a western culture doesn't mean it's easier. Because it's more subtle. My hat is off to all the army wives that do this every couple of years. I don't even know how…

So the things I had been missing the most while living in L.A are there, and they are wonderful: time with family, my kids speaking French, breathtaking landscapes and refreshing nature, all of that is wonderful and priceless. But it is layered with an undercurrent of grief that comes and goes, and though it is much better today, especially after our very meaningful couple's retreat, it has been coming quite strongly in the last few weeks. Oh how I have missed my L.A! The beach, the ocean, the wild wild west when we would go up North to camp, Trader Joe's, Target, the streets of Pasadena, the cool coffee shops (coffee shops here are all the same, too expensive, nothing unique and SO depressing! We'd make a fortune if we opened one!), the sunshine, our neighbors, our friends, our rustic home, my pretty dishes, surfing, Farmer's Markets, Altadena and all its hippie dip pie people, Aveson, the most amazing school, the language, the laid-back spirit, people smiling everywhere…Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy here, and we are blessed. But this is a MAJOR life transition. And this is my diary of some sort. Writing it down and sharing it helps me process it a little more. Those of you who have gone through such a shift will understand. The other ones might think I am complicated. That's OK, I'm a therapist, I'm supposed to be. It makes me great at understanding other complicated people :) And until you have let go of everything you built to start something new at 40 in another culture, you may not "get it".

Let's take a breather and come back to the surface a bit. I am talking a lot about me and my process. The success story in all this is that the kids are doing great! They both speak better and better French, memorize songs and poems, use expressions I had forgotten about (it always brings a smile to my face) and since mid-Spring, they have spent hours catching fishes, frogs and toads in the garden.



Kahleo is becoming quit the artist and enjoys drawing quite a bit. Kaelan is always singing and still so musically inclined, we can't wait to sign him up for Music classes next year. Kahleo would like to start break dancing and drawing classes. He reads and reads and reads in French and English, and is an excellent student at school, bring great results home with very little effort. They both have best friends and a solid group of friends, playdates and birthday parties to go to. We speak Frenglish at home, sometimes French, sometimes English, but they tend to speak French to me and English to Michael. The irony is that I sometimes respond to them in English (yep, I'm still struggling with my own language).

Michael planted a beautiful vegetable garden from which we are already eating delicious salads, and he is experimenting with permaculture. He has decreased his work time so he can focus on the photography and has booked a few weddings and events for the summer. He is incredibly talented and I am very proud of him and of all the work he is putting into developing this aspect of his giftings. If you haven't yet, check out his work at www. michaelthompson.photodeck.com

Spring has been absolutely gorgeous, each week giving way to another type of flower blooming and leading us with wonder into new colors and fragrances. The weather has been mostly nice and we have taken the paddle board on the lake twice already. Sailing is calling Michael's name and he has just started racing on the lake with a few teams.

Our friends in CA are getting married and celebrating milestone birthdays, which we are all missing. For that, we feel very sad and wish we could just hop on a plane and come squeeze you. We don't know when we will come back next. We still have cars and stuff in LA, but don't feel ready to quite turn that page yet. We are staying longer, because it's crazy to think that you can figure it all out in just a year.  We will end up where God leads us. For now, we feel He would have us here. So we will wipe our tears, practice gratitude and walk straight forward, one step at a time, enjoying the moment, the beauty of this place, priceless moments with family and friends.

Winter

Time is flying by. Winter has been long gone, since we didn't really have a full winter. It's felt more like early Spring. The temperatures have been mild, the snow has stubbornly stayed up on the mountains and refused to come down into the plain for the last two months, and flowers are starting to bloom. We did have a few beautiful days in the mountains over the Christmas break, with beautiful thick white snow falling at night and winter wonderland the next day.

We have now been here 8 months. And there is still so much we haven't experienced. Our weekends feel full, and I have a long list of people I would like to have over for dinner, but not enough free evenings for it.
It seems as though this sabbatical year has turned into a "make it happen" year for me, a race against the clock to try and figure out whether we are going to stay here or go back to California. I know I should live the present moment and just enjoy it, but I don't seem to know how to do that and get away from that pressure.

The kids are still doing great. Their French is improving, they have friends, they now master ice skating and skiing after only a few days of practice. They have loved, loved, loved the Winter sports and the evening sledding and fondue outside in the dark, and all the fun things they never got to experience before.

  

In terms of happenings, here is where we are at:

In January, I got to assist an EFT trainer from Canada during two weeks of training in Geneva. I facilitated role plays for Swiss therapists learning the model. I am now a supervisor in training and am supervising local therapists and psychiatrists in this wonderful approach. This felt like an amazing opportunity for me and I am very excited about that.

I turned 40 in January. Mid-life crisis age. And I feel the crisis. I dreaded that birthday, I dreaded celebrating it away from my dear friends in LA. I had imagined that birthday for several years, with my girlfriends. I had dreams and ideas, longings and desires, things I was looking forward to… and had to grieve it all, a couple months ago, as I realized that I didn't have "those" friends with me to celebrate, and that somehow, trying to throw a party here with a bunch of relatively new friends and a handful of old friends who hadn't really known me in the last 12 years, wasn't going to cut it.
Well, I was wrong. I grieved, and decided to just do a dinner with a few girlfriends, like I had done in previous years in LA. Unbeknownst to me, my husband and my brothers planned this surprise birthday party for me that was fun, intimate, touching, and fulfilled all the longings of my heart, with just the right people who all made me feel loved and cared for. As I was moving my 40 year old body on the living-room dance floor, under the disco ball and with the best 80's tunes, I felt so complete, so happy. The me that I had become in LA, that I was afraid I couldn't express freely here if I threw myself a party, was fully alive and well on the dance floor, surrounded by people that fully understand the me that I put on hold for 12 years while living in LA, because it had no context to express itself. That was bliss. Celebrating with friends who know the old me but respect, embrace and love the new me… I never thought this could happen. And in that moment, during that evening, somehow, I felt complete. I felt at my place, grounded, understood, loved.



Tomorrow, I fly to South Africa, to teach at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) counseling school. This is also one of the surprises of this year, something I didn't see coming, that has basically landed on my laps. I look forward to being in the sun again and having that experience.

Michael is still working for my dad and brother's business, landscaping and toying outside. It's definitely not his life dream, but it provides, and he is listening to tons of audio books and podcasts on his iPod while working. He is also getting up early every morning to paint, has sold two paintings already, and is developing his photography website. I am encouraging to start a business with that, as I think he is really talented. If you haven't seen his work yet, here is the link.

He had a work accident in January where he broke his nose into pieces and had to have stitches between his eyes. It was a close call for his eyes! He had to have surgery to re-break his nose. Yes, it was as painful as it sounds! He's all better now and looks mostly as good as before :)

Overall, though Winter has been a tough season, we feel like we are turning a corner. We have no choice but to let go of control and give into the unknown, trust in the process and in God who leads our steps and is working on our hearts. We had a great life in LA. We were successful, had everything we needed, a wonderful community of friends, great schools for our kids, lived in an amazing house and had sunshine 350 days of the year. It's hard not to miss that. But this year, we want to nurture our hearts, we want to focus on what really matters. And all the stuff of life, all the riches and the hobbies and the activities were distractions. When you simplify, and we seriously have, you get to face yourself. When you slow down, life brings up the stuff that needs to be addressed. It can be painful, which is why it stayed hidden behind distractions and business. But God wants our hearts. Fully and completely. I want healing, wholeness, purpose. That can't happen unless I let Him deal with my fears, my need to control, the things that have hurt me in life. So that's where we are right now. It's painful, beautiful and hopeful at the same time.