We have now been here 8 months. And there is still so much we haven't experienced. Our weekends feel full, and I have a long list of people I would like to have over for dinner, but not enough free evenings for it.
It seems as though this sabbatical year has turned into a "make it happen" year for me, a race against the clock to try and figure out whether we are going to stay here or go back to California. I know I should live the present moment and just enjoy it, but I don't seem to know how to do that and get away from that pressure.
The kids are still doing great. Their French is improving, they have friends, they now master ice skating and skiing after only a few days of practice. They have loved, loved, loved the Winter sports and the evening sledding and fondue outside in the dark, and all the fun things they never got to experience before.
In January, I got to assist an EFT trainer from Canada during two weeks of training in Geneva. I facilitated role plays for Swiss therapists learning the model. I am now a supervisor in training and am supervising local therapists and psychiatrists in this wonderful approach. This felt like an amazing opportunity for me and I am very excited about that.
I turned 40 in January. Mid-life crisis age. And I feel the crisis. I dreaded that birthday, I dreaded celebrating it away from my dear friends in LA. I had imagined that birthday for several years, with my girlfriends. I had dreams and ideas, longings and desires, things I was looking forward to… and had to grieve it all, a couple months ago, as I realized that I didn't have "those" friends with me to celebrate, and that somehow, trying to throw a party here with a bunch of relatively new friends and a handful of old friends who hadn't really known me in the last 12 years, wasn't going to cut it.
Well, I was wrong. I grieved, and decided to just do a dinner with a few girlfriends, like I had done in previous years in LA. Unbeknownst to me, my husband and my brothers planned this surprise birthday party for me that was fun, intimate, touching, and fulfilled all the longings of my heart, with just the right people who all made me feel loved and cared for. As I was moving my 40 year old body on the living-room dance floor, under the disco ball and with the best 80's tunes, I felt so complete, so happy. The me that I had become in LA, that I was afraid I couldn't express freely here if I threw myself a party, was fully alive and well on the dance floor, surrounded by people that fully understand the me that I put on hold for 12 years while living in LA, because it had no context to express itself. That was bliss. Celebrating with friends who know the old me but respect, embrace and love the new me… I never thought this could happen. And in that moment, during that evening, somehow, I felt complete. I felt at my place, grounded, understood, loved.
Tomorrow, I fly to South Africa, to teach at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) counseling school. This is also one of the surprises of this year, something I didn't see coming, that has basically landed on my laps. I look forward to being in the sun again and having that experience.
Michael is still working for my dad and brother's business, landscaping and toying outside. It's definitely not his life dream, but it provides, and he is listening to tons of audio books and podcasts on his iPod while working. He is also getting up early every morning to paint, has sold two paintings already, and is developing his photography website. I am encouraging to start a business with that, as I think he is really talented. If you haven't seen his work yet, here is the link.
He had a work accident in January where he broke his nose into pieces and had to have stitches between his eyes. It was a close call for his eyes! He had to have surgery to re-break his nose. Yes, it was as painful as it sounds! He's all better now and looks mostly as good as before :)
Overall, though Winter has been a tough season, we feel like we are turning a corner. We have no choice but to let go of control and give into the unknown, trust in the process and in God who leads our steps and is working on our hearts. We had a great life in LA. We were successful, had everything we needed, a wonderful community of friends, great schools for our kids, lived in an amazing house and had sunshine 350 days of the year. It's hard not to miss that. But this year, we want to nurture our hearts, we want to focus on what really matters. And all the stuff of life, all the riches and the hobbies and the activities were distractions. When you simplify, and we seriously have, you get to face yourself. When you slow down, life brings up the stuff that needs to be addressed. It can be painful, which is why it stayed hidden behind distractions and business. But God wants our hearts. Fully and completely. I want healing, wholeness, purpose. That can't happen unless I let Him deal with my fears, my need to control, the things that have hurt me in life. So that's where we are right now. It's painful, beautiful and hopeful at the same time.
